Remember what life was like 10 years ago, when we had to make up weird non-Internet memes like “awkward turtle” in uncomfortable situations? Well, we no longer need awkward turtle, because now we have smartphones.
Sure, smartphones may be making us more socially awkward in the long run, but they’re also helping us escape awkward situations with finesse. Which means we’re actually getting smoother. Or, well, “smoother” at picking up our phones and making up excuses about important texts and emergency phone calls and life-or-death sports scores, so we don't have to look you in the eye. It’s the same thing, right?
When you’re waiting for a friend
Instead of staring longingly at your cup of coffee like a loser who obviously has no friends, you take a peek at your Twitter feed.
“Oh, I’m not waiting for anyone…I’m managing my social media profiles like a boss. While sitting alone. In this booth. Yeah.”
When somebody’s hitting on you
It’s not that I’m not interested in you, it’s just I’m more interested in this new creature I discovered for my bestiary in Evolve: Hunters Quest. (But also, I’m not interested in you.)
When it’s your boss’s birthday
Happy birthday to the best boss ever! I definitely didn’t need a Google Calendar notification to remember it was your birthday!
When you’re late
Thanks to smartphones, being late is basically a non-issue. After all, if you text someone and tell them you’re going to be late, are you really late? Or do you arrive exactly as (re)scheduled?
When you need to win an argument
Before the portable Internet in your pocket, the person who yelled the loudest won the argument. Just like on 24-hour news programs. But now that the sum of all human knowledge is at your fingertips 24/7, you can just look it up.
When you’re lost
No need to ask someone awkwardly for directions, or even admit you’re lost. Just pull out Google Maps and you’re set (sort of – unless you’re this woman).
When you’re about to get a traffic ticket
Instead of fumbling through your glove box for your registration while you try to sound casual without admitting blame…now you can avoid traffic tickets altogether, thanks to apps like Waze.
When you totally forgot to sign that contract that’s due…today
Yep, you left that super important document on your desk at work, and it’s the weekend, and your lawyer needs it, signed right now. Well, you can do that on your smartphone with an app like DocuSign. Crisis averted!
When your date goes to the bathroom
Instead of being alone with your thoughts like a normal person, why not take this chance to Google them and look through their Spring Break 2010 photo album on Facebook?
When your date won’t go to the bathroom
You really wish they’d just leave or…something, because this conversation is so weird and boring and full of awkward silences. Hang on a sec, phone to the rescue with a fake call app like Fake Call (or you can just pick up your phone and look at it so you don’t have to look at their face any longer).
When you don’t have a date
What better way to celebrate your datelessness than by looking up forever alone memes on your smartphone?